Dragon Age Guy
by Matt3928th
Summary: A series of (very) short chapters of Family Guy randomness in the Dragon Age universe. Rated for crude/sexual humor and (probably) language.
1. Who wants chowder?

Dragon Age Guy

Hawke, Varric, Anders and Fenris sat in the livingroom, each of them holding a bottle of epicac. "Ok guys," Hawke said. "I got eight crates of epicac on my tab at the store. Now whoever can drink it and go the longest without puking gets the last piece of pie in the larder." "Ok." Varric said. "Sounds like fun." Anders added. "Well, if i must..." Fenris glumly replied. And with that, all four of them drank the entire bottle they were each holding. After downing their bottles, they waited. "How's everybody doing?" Hawke asked. "Good. Good so far." Varric said. "Alright. Alright." Hawke replied. "Nothing yet." Fenris added. "Cool, cool. I, uh, I don't know if you guys had any of that pie yet, but that is some tasty stuff. It's from the bakesale that Merrill BLLLLLEEEEEEHHHHHHH!" Hawke said before falling to his knees clutching his gut. "Well that's one down. I know someone who won't be having any BLAAAAAAHHHHHH!" Fenris vomited. "I'm starting to feel funny." Anders said as he held his stomache." "Well I feel fine. I guess I'm gonna be BLEEEEEAAAAAHHHHH!" Varric spewed. Anders stood up, waving his arms victoriously. "Oh boy, I win! That means I get to eat HHHHUUUEEEEAAAGGHHH!" he upchucked. Fenris then vomited again."Oh Maker! Why didn't anybody tell me... BLEEEGGGHHH!" Hawke crawled on his knees, still clutching his gut. "Maker's breath, my insides are on fiBLLLLEEEEEGH!" Fenris tried to push himself upright. "Oh please, no more! No BLEEEEEEGH!" "Hawke, I'm scared. BLAAGH!" Anders collapsed on the floor. Varric pointed across the room. "In my pack! Get a health poBLAAAAAAAGGGGH!" Hawke backed away from the puddle of vomit he left. "Merrill! Merrill, Merrill get in here! BLEEEEGGHH!" Varric sat up from leaning over the couch arm. "Ok. I think it's all gone." he said calmly. "I think it's BLEEEGH!" Fenris sat on the couch crying, rocking himself back and forth. "I don't wanna... I don't wanna BLLLEEEEEEEGH!" Varric stood on the couch, his hair hanging in his face and his back to Hawke. "Hawke, I need you to hold my hair back BLEEEEGH!" Hawke held Varric's hair back before he threw up into Varric's hair, right before Varric tossed more cookies. Hawke fell on his ass and Varric landed on his knees, still on the couch. The four men groaned painfully and held their stomachs. Suddenly Merrill walked in the room with a pot. "Who wants chowder?" she asked before witnessing the four guys puke at the same time.


	2. Lyrium part 1

Cullen sat at his desk, looking over the reports that had just came in. There was a breif knock at the door before Varric let himself in. "Varric, what can I do for you? "The Inquisator asked me to find out how things are going at Stormcoast." "They're going very well actually. No bandit attacks, no rifts opening up. Just our patrols going back and forth.""That's good to know. What's that?" Varric said, pointing at the object in Cullen's hand. "Lyrium." "Where did you get lyrium?" "Blackwall. Some white guy named Blackwall sold it to me." Varric half glared at him. "Cullen, this isn't the answer. You need to get to the root of why you feel you need to do lyrium in the first place. Here's the name of Skyhold's healer, go and see him." Varric said as he wrote the name down before leaving. "Ok." Cullen said before lighting the lyrium bong to smoke it. A short time later, Varric came back. "Hey Cullen, how's it HOLY CRAP! Cullen, what happened?!" Cullen lay on the floor, his armor off from the waist up, rocking back and forth, eyes wide and clutching his shield in a death grip. "Corypheus came and took ma' baby!"


	3. Leliana's (Templar) Song

Leliana, Cousland, Allistar, Oghren and Zevran sat around their campfire as Leliana pulled out a lute. "What song are you gonna sing?" Allistar asked before taking a long swig from his mug. "This is a little tune about two legendary templars." she smiled before singing.

 _'Oh, there were once two templars all alone out on the trail,_  
 _and they discovered they could sleep with another male,_  
 _now they're having buttsex,'_

Allistar spit out his ale in shock while Cousland, Oghren and Zev burst into fits of laughter.

 _'Templar buttsex,_  
 _Sodomeh-hheee!,_ c'mon everybody!  
 _Sodomeh-hheee!,'_

By now Zevran was holding his ribs, Cousland was laughing at the look Allistar had on his face and Oghren had fallen backwards off his log, still laughing hysterically.

'Sodomy'

Leliana smiled as she finished her song. She looked to see Cousland, Oghren and Zev still laughing their asses off before turning her gaze to Allistar, who looked like someone just vomited on his bare feet. Leliana shrugged at him. "What?"


End file.
